My orientation class ended yesterday and I'm excited for my courses to start on the 26th. The online learning system is really easy to work with and I look forward to starting the real stuff soon! I'm really excited about school and so far have managed to make it work with taking care of Kaylin. Hoping it continues to go well because I can't afford for it not to! Haha..
Emotionally the past month has been very rough with me. After visiting home I've felt torn. Just really wish I could be there for my family right now. The next month(s) will be rough and I just wish we weren't so far away. I miss my sister so much! I'm thankful she sent Kaylin and I back home though. It's a visit I definitely had mixed feelings about but will cherish the memories made. I just wish there were more to come. I'm having a rough time with everything so my therapist upped my dosage on Zoloft to see if it will help at all. I'm just not being as strong as I was before going back home in August. Before I had something to look forward to.. visiting in August. Now.. I'm just waiting for the dreadful call and it's killer.
I love my sister with all my heart. She's my best friend and biggest role model. Saying goodbye seems impossible to do and going back to do it just crushed me. I find myself crying most days without warning. I'll be driving and hear a song that reminds me of something we did together and start crying. It's so rough.. I feel like I'm mourning her and she's not even gone yet! I don't know if it's because I'm so far away or what but it makes me feel bad and more upset.
I just wish she never had to suffer. Life isn't fair.. No one ever deserves to become paralyzed! I wish there was a cure for those with spinal cord injuries and diseases that cause paralysis (like ALS). I'm just not in a good place right now over any of this. I'm angry and sad over it all. I just wish I didn't have to see my sister suffer or lose her. Both are just too painful to deal with. Over the years knowing she has gone through all she does has hurt me. Knowing my sister is in pain or upset kills me. I could never ask her to live like that nor would I want to. It just sucks that the only other option is losing her. Those shouldn't be the only options. It's just not fair!
I love you so much. Thank you so much for all your love and support. I will always cherish the happy times we spent together. I couldn't ask for better little sisters. I've been so blessed to have you both in my life. I know part of you is wishing you could be here right now, but just know that I know that. I know how much you love me. I'm so glad you & Kaylin were able to come last month and we made some great memories, despite everything. I wish there was a way I could comfort you more, and take away your sadness. I'm just so thankful that you understand and support me & know how much I've tried to be strong through all of this, during the last six years. Part of me wishes I could be strong forever, and be able to promise you I'll always be here. The other part is just so tired of hurting, and of being sick, that I know that's not realistic. Just know, no matter what happens to me, if there is a way, I will never be far from your side.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much & am so proud of you. I know you'll do great, in anything you set your mind to. I'm so excited for you, and hope that your college experience is fun and interesting. The sky is the limit. I know someday you'll make a terrific nurse (or whatever profession you decide on). You are caring, smart, funny and a terrific person. I'm sure you'll bring comfort and compassion to every patient you touch. Love you!
I feel your pain. I really really do. I'm grieving her already and she's not even gone yet. I keep thinking about Christmas this year and how she won't be here. I think about things that are yet to come, and she won't be here for those either. I'm incredibly angry at the unfairness of it all, both for her and for all of us. This is not the way it was supposed to be, and I absolutely hate it.
ReplyDeleteI find myself completely unable to focus on anything lately. I left my house in slippers the other day! I have misplaced my keys more times than I can count in the past few weeks, and I am constantly forgetting things and conversations.
I know you know I consider Christina a sister, and that means that you and Kati are family too. It sucks that I didn't get to see you guys more when we were all growing up, but I hope you know that I'm here if you ever need anything. I know we're all going to have a very difficult time coming up, and I'm only a phone call/email/FB message away if you need to talk, vent, yell, cry, whatever.
Love you :)