Failure.

This blog isn't easy for me to write and I have agonized over it for several months. But here it goes..

I can't shake this guilt and feeling of being a failure. I think I should be stronger and better. Every one keeps telling me I'm doing great and the best considering all I'm going through since giving birth but I don't feel that way. So after tonight's breakdown I think it's time for me to talk about things that have been effecting me for several years. My infertility difficulties.

In 2004 I found out I had PCOS and my doctor said that theres a chance I could have trouble conceiving due to it. At that time I had no reason to want children and figured I would handle it when I decided to start a family. In 2006 Adam and I got married and I was on birth control. I went to a new OBGYN since I had moved to Utah and she decided to run some tests. She discovered my hormone levels were extremely low and some labs came back abnormal. I mentioned not having an issue and would address it later but shortly into 2007 went off BC to see how that would effect me.

When Adam was deployed (and I was off bc) I realized I couldn't have periods at all. Before I never thought much about it because I was on birth control and assumed that was the cause for lack of periods. My doctor ran more tests and realized I was not ovulating off the BC and by the fall I was taking medicine to trigger a period. She then put me on Metformin for the PCOS. In 2008 Adam and I decided to actively start trying to have a baby to see if we could with what I was on at the time. No success on our own.

Fast forward to us in Alaska..

By Jan 2009 I was meeting with my lovely current OBGYN discussing infertility treatment (hormone therapy) to see if I could get myself to ovulate. Up to this point I still hadn't ovulated. She told me my best shot at ovulating would be Clomid and that it would increase our chances of conception. She told me she would keep me on my current medicine with Clomid being on days 3-7 of my cycle. She would test me every 18, 21 and 35th day of my cycle. If I made it to the 35th day without a new cycle it was a good chance I could be pregnant which thats when she would do a pregnancy test. Every one came back negative. On days 18 and 21 she did the hormone level tests to see if my body was ovulating. The second cycle was the one that got that started.

She suggested going on for 6 more cycles before calling it quits and moving on. In Jan 2010 she told me due to my inability to get pregnant with our current plan that it was best to move on. She suggested IUI (Inter-uterine Insemination). I told her we would think about it and get back to her. For our Feb 2010 cycle I decided we would go for it. Unfortunately my period came in late Feb and the IUI would have been done in March when she was TDY. We decided the next cycle would be the one. April came and the IUI was a success. You all know how that ended. We had our beautiful Kaylin.

Unfortunately all the struggle we went through to get to this point was extremely tiring and emotional. I was the reason we couldn't get pregnant not my husband. It wasn't a simple fix it took a lot out of us. I know theres worse situations out there for other women but that doesn't minimize the feelings I felt. I feel like a woman should be able to bare children naturally and to not be able to on my own hurts me to the deepest level. I feel like a failure at being a woman. How can I be born with this body but be unable to do all I'm supposed to with it without assistance? With these feelings before getting pregnant I made myself promise to breastfeed no matter how hard it got. I just assumed I would have a great milk supply. I knew breastfeeding would be a challenge but 100% worth the dedication.

Once having Kaylin and having the milk supply issues all the feelings of being a failure came flooding back into me. Why can't my body do anything right? Why can't I produce enough food for my baby? Why is my body letting me down so much? I want to be the best mom I can be for Kaylin and this was part of my plan. I wanted to feed her and bond with her. I feel like I'm letting her down right now and it's breaking my heart. I now pump mostly because I fear she isn't getting enough. The milk pumped doesn't lie. She's not. She barely gets 1oz sometimes. It's no wonder we were cluster feeding, she's starving after 30-60 minutes. So welcome formula into our lives more then I'd like.

She was getting 2oz with her vitamin at 3pm because she wont take it in breast milk and then 3-4oz before bed to help her sleep better. The rest I was able to provide. It saddened me then to give her even those 2 feedings but it was best because it'd allow her to take medicine needed and sleep better. I allowed myself to calm down about that but it took me weeks. Now here I sit writing this close to breaking down because I give her more formula then milk due to my supply issues. She gets everything I make though. I'm devastated because I know I wont make it to a year.. I doubt 6 months at this rate. My milk supply is terrible and I've done everything I know of to increase it.

I've read several articles and 2 books about breastfeeding for tips to increase supply. I have spoken to a LC and gotten a new pump to help me get the most out of pumping. Somethings helped for a little bit but now things are terrible. I'm maybe producing 10oz a day. She takes 2-3 every feeding. I fear the stress and pain I'm under are making this all so much worse.

This makes me feel weak. I need to be stronger and suck it up to help my production to do whats best for my baby but I can't stop the pain and the stress gets worse with every new issue that pops up. I'm being so weak, a huge failure. I'm hurt and just want to stop feeling this way. I want to be able to except that I'm lucky to have any milk and that 2 months of milk is better then most give. I think this is harder on me then it should be because it's not like I'm being lazy and don't want to do this. I will struggle until she is a year old if I had a good supply because it's what I want and whats best. I can't though, I'm not giving up on it, my body is giving up on me.

This. suck. so. much. :(

I plan to discuss this more with my therapist because as he said I'm being too hard on myself. I feel how I feel though and have felt this way for years. To correct these feelings/thoughts will take more then a few sessions. I know that. I just wish I could stop crying after every feeding/pumping.

Luckily seeing her smiling adorable face brings me joy and the sadness goes away.

I know this probably sounds all over the place (I'm exhausted -- it's bed time.) and not all my thoughts are here. I really can't let out all I've struggled over because it's hard to talk about it but thats a glimpse of how I've been feeling.

Thanks if you read this and for feedback.