Adam and I were talking and he mentioned that it might be a good idea if I used my blog as a way to vent about everything I've been feeling lately. Though I absolutely don't feel comfortable throwing out some information about my life in fear of "jinxing" it, I think it might be good. After all, the less stress I have the better. So here, for the friends and family that truly care and have some idea what we're going through..
That may be a bit extreme but lately that's exactly how I feel towards this fertility battle. I don't dare think that what I'm going through is the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with, but right now in this period in my life its hard. It's a struggle every day. I thought after 2 years.. 1 year of having blood and urine tests, going through diet after diet, and the emotional roller coaster that is fertility treatment, that'd I'd finally gotten a handle of everything.
Far from it. I find myself more anxious, emotional and weak then I was a year ago. After waiting for 2 months to hear if I was able to do IUI (Intrauterine Insemination -- a step down from IVF) now being days away from it.. I wonder how I'll get through it. What if something goes wrong? What if my body just wont snap out of this problem? It's something I think about constantly. I know worrying wont help, that stressing will only make it harder but if you've even had the slightest issues with this you'd understand that's easier said then done.
I can't shut off my emotions, especially when I have hormones making them more obvious. It's so hard to ignore my thoughts when they just keep playing over and over in my head. My friends who have dealt with this have been amazing. I know everyone fighting to have a child gets where I'm coming from. When you want something so much, its hard to cope when it doesn't happen. Especially when you're trying so hard to make it happen.
Luckily I must say even though I feel like I can't handle things right now.. I'm doing very well in every other aspect of my life. Recently I noticed I went down 2 sizes in jeans. Hell yes!! Lets just hope my body doesn't hate me and lets me keep it off with further weight loss. Plus with summer break coming up I'm thrilled to have this time to break and focus more on health then anything else (like school and such). Though I'm doing great managing all of my life, I really like breaks where I can focus on one thing and get a lot accomplished.
As for the very near future.. Thursday is my first follicle scan and I'm nervous to see how that all turns out. I'm hopeful things will be good. How good, I don't know. I'm not being unrealistic.. I know it may not be an instant thing, so Adam and I are willing to go through what we need to and for as long as its needed. I guess, just keep your fingers crossed for us. We need all the support we can get :)
Because I know not all positive people might read this..Heres a note to those who feel its necessary to play down my emotions.. I don't care for that. I feel how I do, yes it might be cause I'm having just one of those moods, but its how I feel and I wont change. Please don't give fake support, it hurts having people who think its silly what I'm going through. Until you have suffered with this, you can't possibly grasp my emotions and thoughts. Yes, I am young but I know what I want, I know my health, and how hard and tiring this struggle has been. Not only the struggle for a child but to have a healthy body. Don't judge things so blindly :)
Killeen you are one of the strongest women I am blessed to know! You and Adam are going to make amazing parents. This WILL happen for you.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who recently went through the very same things you are describing (she is now the mother of gorgeous twins!) and one friend who is just starting IUI. It's definitely a rough and emotional journey. Have you looked into accupuncture? My friend with he twins swears by it. Best of luck and I'll keep you guys in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteKilleen,
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry you are hurting so much...I can only imagine how you guys must feel right now...I REALLY hope that this works for you!!!
And congrats on the weight loss!
Love ya :)
i agree sweetheart with adam. this may be a good way to vent as well. will help me feel closer to you as well. being so far away. enjoy your calls even when your venting, makes me feel like i'm still a help to you. HAVE ENOUGH OF THE RUOFF GENES IN YOU , TOO BE STRONG. AND SAY FU TOO ALL THAT OPPOSE YOU
ReplyDeleteShari- Thanks, you're so sweet.
ReplyDeleteNiki- Me too! and thanks :)
Dad- Lol thanks for always listening!
Erin- No, I haven't tried it but I'll look into it :) I'm really up for anything, if it'll help and is good for the body. Thanks!
hey :) i think it's a great idea to blog! i've always kept a journal & it really helps me, whether i share it with others or not. sometimes, it's even helpful to be able & go back & read stuff you wrote & reflect on your thoughts or remind yourself how much you've overcome.
ReplyDeleteas far as the baby stuff goes, i definitely understand how you feel. i know my situation is different than yours, but even though our medical problems are different, i know the what it's like to truly want a child & the feelings of pain and anxiety at the thought of it never happening. i know not knowing what the future will bring is the worst feeling ever. it sucks to feel like no one can give you a straight answer & you don't have the luxury of being able to plan things, because everything is so uncertain.
all i can say is that, even if things suck right now, you do have options. there's still things left to try and there's still hope. if you end up getting pregnant all the grief & stress you've gone through the past couple of years will melt away & it all will have been worth it. just try & remind yourself that your goal is worth all the aggravation.
everyone thinks they know how their life is going to play out (or at least have a vision of what they'd like). plans are great & having goals is important, but my accident opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how hard we may try or how in control we seem, life is unpredictable. all you can do is try your best & take one day at a time. don't ever lose hope though, because life can throw good surprises your way, just as it throws obstacles in your way.
i think people bring up your age, not because they think your immature, but because they realize you still have a lot of time left to live. at least, that's been my experience, since i got hurt. it might seem like you've exhausted all your options, but who knows what new treatments they might come up with in the future. a baby like my nephew wouldn't have been possible twenty years ago & you'd never guess he was premature or anything (my sister-in-law was only born w/half of a uterus).
have you & adam discussed other options, like using a surrogate or adopting, if for what ever reason the treatments aren't successful? i mean i think it's best to think positive, but having a plan "b" never hurts. hang in there! i love you <3
I'm always here for you babe!
ReplyDeletePineapple and Robitussin are supposed to help too -- seriously. It has to be fresh pineapple, though, because it's the core that is good for you.
ReplyDeleteHey Guys,
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that you are trying. I don't have any rugrat nephews/nieces that I can spoil and when this all works out for you, the trip will be well worth it. Believe me, it was a rough two years getting to have Dana and it was a rough 3 more with Joey. And then Tony slipped in under the radar. Hang in there and don't let the other bullshit bother you.
Christina- Thanks sis, I know you understand what its like and even though it is different for you it's nice to know you get it. We have looked into other options. There is so much legal stuff that goes into both of those, that its scary though. Personally those we don't even see them as options till I'm in my 30s. Like you said I do have time to try out my current path.
ReplyDeleteErin- I do currently eat all fresh fruit, but not pineapple.. only cause its a fruit I'm not too fond of. Perhaps I'll start eating it though :P and Robitussin? Lol never heard of using that.. though I heard baby aspirin helps (well when taking clomid).
Bob- Thanks for the support! Ilene mentioned you guys having it hard and I'm glad to see it worked out well for you guys. Gives me hope we'll have the same luck. Thanks again :)