Postpartum Anxiety (PPA)

I have been debating about posting this because I really hate discussing just how bad things have been for me. What I'm going through a lot of women go through after having a child. Those who are more likely to get PPD (Postpartum Depression) and PPA are those who have a history or family history of depression or anxiety. It's something you have no control over getting. You either do or don't. The only thing you have control over is what you do to make it better. It usually isn't a lifetime struggle but can reoccur with each pregnancy.

With that said, this is a blog I desperately need to post. I know people who suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm dieing not to feel so incredibly alone going through this.

My issues started the first week I had Kaylin. I thought it was simply "baby blues" and me being depressed about my medical issues. I was sick the first 3 1/2 months after having Kaylin and it was terrible. I figured my anxiety and other feelings were due to the fact that I was constantly going to the doctors to figure out an issue. The first month was hell. I was having gallbladder attacks (I later realized this), c-section complications, fluid in my lung causing severe pain, a mass in my chest that needed to be looked at and being on an emotional rollercoaster all on top of sleep deprivation and a newborn. Add that to having milk supply issues and breastfeeding trouble and you get a very rundown person.

When I was fully healed from all the issues except the gallbladder I was starting to realized that I was having anxiety due to more then just medical issues. I was feeling uneasy and worried constantly about Kaylin. I chalked it up to being a new mom and not knowing if I was truly doing everything the right way. I then started going to therapy end of Feb/beginning of March to try and get a grip on my feelings. We decided talk therapy would be best due to my issues with taking medicine and not wanting to stop breastfeeding.

I thought with talk therapy I was doing better. By mid March I was told the mass in my chest could be monitored and to just go on with life until my next ct scan. I then needed to fix my gallbladder problem and by the end of March was actually doing okay with the thought of surgery. I really thought I was doing a bit better. That was until the day before my gallbladder surgery. Kaylin got sick and we spent the morning before surgery in the ER. We got 2 hours of sleep before surgery and I was freaking out the whole time in bed until they took me into the OR thinking my daughter was sick and I wasn't there with her. After surgery I had to stay the night in the hospital and that was really hard for me to. That was the 2nd strike at my sanity.

I was told they could stay but once Adam left to get food and stuff I was told they couldn't because a baby on the floor has RSV. I freaked out the whole night in the hospital thinking the worse would happen to Kaylin while I was away. I couldn't sleep and felt extremely sick/in pain. By the next day when I got released I was just completely broken. It was no surprise when I broke down in bed when we got home. I breast fed Kaylin, took some pain medicine, went to lay down and cried for a while. I was questioning what I did to deserve the pain and sickness I have been feeling. I thought of not getting the 2nd procedure because I honestly just didn't want anymore pain. Too much had happened to me in 3 months. I realized the threat of what could happen if I didn't was much more scary and that it wasn't an option to decline the ERCP.

From that day things haven't changed. Yes, I'm feeling MUCH better but I still feel like life is trying to punish me for something. I'm worried about my daughter constantly and wondering what else will go wrong with me. It's ALWAYS on my mind. It's not so concerning about what I worry when it comes to me but my daughter is different.

I refuse to put her in the crib because I'm terrified of SIDS. I'm afraid if I put her in there (even with a motion sensor monitor and camera) that I wake up to her not okay. I think.. what if she chokes? what if she rolls over and suffocates? what if she cries and I don't wake up?

Those thoughts are just some of the thoughts I fear. I love my daughter SO much that it's making me paranoid about every. single. thing. It's not okay and it's not good for her for me to be this way. I know that, which is why I said okay to getting put on medicine. I HATE the thought of it. It fuels thoughts of "if I wasn't crazy, she wouldn't have to stop breastfeeding" and "if she stops breastfeeding she's going to get sick or worse." Those feelings are causing panic and heartache for me. Realistically I know she'll be a healthy and happy baby with formula.. but it doesn't change anything. I FEEL these things, whether I know better or not doesn't seem to change my feelings.

I've cried a lot today knowing tomorrow morning my doctor will see me to prescribe me medicine. I'm interested in being calm and better but worried about stopping breastfeeding. I've worked SO hard, struggled with a crappy supply and pushed myself to keep going. And now?!! Now I have to stop because I'm crazy and need medicine to make me better. I feel like a complete failure. I keep feeling like this is my fault. I wish I could stop feeling this way and hope that the medicine stops all these feelings I'm having because they're definitely irrational.

I just want the best for her. I need to get better. I know a healthy and happy mom makes a happy and healthy baby. I know formula feeding is just as good but I'm upset. I haven't loved breastfeeding most of the time but I'll miss the bonding. I'll miss knowing that I could provide food for my baby. I feel like something is being taken from me and I don't like it.

I know better, so if you read this PLEASE don't tell me not breastfeeding isn't the end of the world. I GET IT. If I hear that one more time I'm going to scream. For ME it's just something I FEEL and have in my head that I NEED to do. So yes, to me, this is a big deal. I know once the medicine starts working that I will most likely realize how ridiculous my feelings have been but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way right now.

UGH, this blog probably makes no sense and is all over the place but it's kind of made me feel better.

I thank those who say I've done a great job and I'm a strong person but I don't feel that way. I feel if I was strong this wouldn't effect me (the anxiety) and I wouldn't need professional help. I really haven't been handling everything since January very well. A lot has happened and has left me unsettled.

That's not to say I haven't enjoyed my daughter to the fullest. I have. I have made the right choices to seek help and have tried my best to leave my pity party at night when she's asleep and discuss my issues with my therapist. I have pushed through the pain to breastfeed and be a mom. I've played with her and helped her grow and develop during all my bad days. So please don't tell me to enjoy my daughter, because I have. At least as much as my anxiety has let me. I will spend every waking second worrying but I do my best to not let it show.

The only things I haven't enjoyed since January 1st is the sickness/pain from complications/gallbladder and the constant anxiety.

Anyway, baby girl is awake.. so I'm going to go feed her and snuggle. If you made to the end of this, thank you for caring enough to read this.